


A Traumatizing Conglomeration of Crack Pairings

by Kailean



Category: I Feel Sick, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Squee - Fandom
Genre: Dark Crack, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Other, Squick, ratings vary by chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-14
Updated: 2014-04-14
Packaged: 2018-01-19 10:41:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1466380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kailean/pseuds/Kailean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I was reading the thread about crack pairings in the forum on FF.net and was inspired. Horribly inspired. This is going to be a collection of drabbly one shot thingies, each featuring at least one of those pairings.</p><p>I know what you're thinking: Aren't ALL JV pairings crack? That is a fine question, and we at Fanfiction dot net have always known the answer to be a resounding MAYBE! But some are so much worse than others.</p><p> I don't support all (or most) of what shall be here. I am going to try to break cannon (adding is ok, subtracting isn't) as less as possible with these, but a little oocness is a given with some of them. The challenge for me to find unique ways that make a given crack pairing a bit more plausible. Some will be humor, some sad, some creepy, most will make you cringe. </p><p>Jesus, Jhonen, and Mary, thank you I don't own this! JTHM, Squee, I Feel Sick and Invader Zim copyright Jhonen Vasqueze (and the last Nick too).</p><p>*Story originally published on FF.net in 2008*</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Traumatizing Conglomeration of Crack Pairings

**Chapter One: Pepito/Happy Noodle Boy**

* * *

Chapter Warnings: Sexual innuendo, trauma, horrible Noodle-Boy language, unwanted aggressive flirting that might be sexual assault

* * *

 

 

In a bedroom lain out in gothic decor and stuffed with almost enough movies, video games, and books to ease the tedium of the infernal ... inferno that was the town that they lived in, two preteen boys sat on the floor, surrounded by comic books, scraps of cardboard, and Ms. Diablo's scrap-booking kit.  
  
Pepito Diablo, Alter Boy of Doom, had finally managed to coerce-er-persuade his best friend, Todd "Squee" Casil, to spend the night at his house. All it had taken was about a couple hundred promises to make no attempts turn him to the Dark Side and a few calls to his parents, inviting them to a free night of luxury at the local Holiday Hotel. Since the other boy had arrived earlier that day, the two had watched several movies, taken his dog, Woofles, for a walk to scare some of their classmates, and discovered that Pepito was better at cards while Todd was better at scrabble.  
  
Through all of this, Pepito had somehow managed to only minimally traumatize the other, and, while he was highly pleased with this, it was getting a little boring. He needed to do something dramatic, something fun, something that would make Todd want to spend every weekend at his house!  
  
"Pepito, I don't know about this ...."  
  
"Relax, Amigo. Haven't you always wanted to see a real life comic book hero?"  
  
"Well ... maybe. But, Happy Noddle Boy is kinda deranged, which actually makes sense since he's created by the Scary Neighbor Man." Todd visibly shuddered at the thought of the man who resided in the shack beside his own house, mostly in between long "vacations".  
  
"Yeah, but that's what makes him fun. Besides, simple drawings are easier to work with." Pepito pressed down firmly, cementing a life-sized cutout of the stick figure to the cardboard body beneath via the sticky, dragon's blood based concoction between. When they seemed to be thoroughly fused together, he leaned back, reaching for a thick, black book.  
  
"What's that?" Leaning forward, across the giant paper doll, Todd peered cautiously at the item. His friendship with Pepito was a constant struggle between curiosity and fear. But, then again, so was most of his life.  
  
"My personal Grimoire, of course. It's kind of a magical work book that Father says I have to complete before my next birthday, if I wish to be initiated like everyone is expecting." Pepito flipped through the book with unsure hands. The truth was he was a little behind. He had a tendency to put off anything to do with the family business, much to his father's dismay. It wasn't really that he disliked magic. He just didn't like feeling obligated ... or tending to the Damned.  
  
"Oh." Todd shifted uneasily, brushing dark bangs from his eyes. It seemed like a good deal of his time with Pepito during the last few years had been spent avoiding that particular topic. "Do you?"  
  
Lifting his head, Pepito shot him a quizzical look. "I ... of course I do, Amigo." His eyes quickly returned to the pages below, concealing an uncertain, worried look that soon melted into a pleased smile as he found the spell he was looking for. "Here it is! You may want to move back some."  
  
Todd gave the paper person a fearful glance before moving all the way to the corner of Pepito's room, where he crawled on top of the bed, hoping feebly that the height would keep the thing away from him. "Okay, I guess I'm as ready as I'm gonna be."  
  
"Excelente." Pepito sent a reassuring smile in Todd's direction before turning back around to focus on the task at hand. He closed his eyes briefly as his breathing calmed and deepened before his hands moved over the surface of the character in front of him. As he felt the energy build, he spoke in a rolling, monotone Enochian tongue, "Eol fafen vavn ooe. Solpeth bien. Imvamar odzamran obelisong. Torgv!"  
  
The paper and cardboard shivered as if a breeze had blown in through the closed window, then stilled.  
  
Pepito released a disappointed huff, rising from his position to flop backwards on to his bed, beside Todd. "Well, that was anticlimactic. I apologize, Todd. I fail at magic and entertainment."  
  
Todd let out a relieved sigh before rolling his eyes at the boy lying by his side. "Don't worry about it. I don't mind, really." He sent him a teasing smile. "And stop being so over dramatic."  
  
Removing the arm that had come to rest over his face, Pepito raised a dark eyebrow. "Someone is getting a little ballesy." He nudged the other boy's hip with a black socked foot.  
  
"Yeah, well, you have to fail a little less at evil to keep me in line." Todd easily captured the foot, chuckling a little at the red "I heart me" that was stitched down the side as he tickled it. So very Pepito.  
  
Laughing against his own will at the small touches, Pepito squirmed, trying desperately to break free and maybe look a bit less inept. "Knock it off, mortal, or I'll show you evil." Finally giving up, he resorted to using his powers to pull Todd back from his sitting position, onto his back and away from his feet. "That's better." He released a deep breath, resolving to learn some new spells that involved tickling to seek revenge at a later time. Turning to face his friend, he had to suppress the desire to face palm himself at his disposition, full of shock and terror. "Amigo? I didn't mean that, okay? I was merely kidding."  
  
Todd shook his head at Pepito's worried words. He was really pretty used to their joking around by now. His body felt almost frozen in fear, but he managed to lift his arm all the same, pointing a shaking finger at the paper doll that had come to life and risen from the floor during their preoccupation.  
  
When Pepito followed Todd's line of view, his confusion turned to elation that his spell had worked after all, even if it had lagged longer than it should have. Sitting up, he took in the form of the comic book protagonist ... or at least he thought he was a protagonist. Really, he could just as easily be an antagonist. Happy Noodle Boy was so cracky that it was hard to tell. "Come on, Todd. Don't defeat the purpose. I did this for you, you know."  
  
Reluctantly, Todd took the hand that Pepito offered, allowing himself to be pulled back into a sitting position as well. The Noddle Boy no longer seemed to be made of paper and cardboard. He was still very skinny. Too skinny for a human to survive ... skinnier than Nny even, though he looked human. And he was wearing clothes now, kind of. To be exact, he was wearing a lot of black mesh and leather. Well, much more mesh than leather. And not in the alternative style that Pepito sometimes sported either. The style was more erotic, which to Todd's twelve year old mind fell firmly into the category of "gross", especially on that body. "Uh, Pepito, why is he wearing that?"  
  
"I don't know, actually. He never wears that in the comic." Pepito cocked his head to the side, wondering what had gone wrong with his spell.  
  
Happy Noodle Boy looked himself over with a strangely self-satisfied smirk before turning to the boys, speaking in his usual loud proclamation. "YES! WITNESS MY BODY! WITNESS MY SEX-E-NESS! Does not my wondrous, NIPPLESS frame make your eyes THROB with PLEASURE? Worship me with your juicy, cabbage mouths, for I am a shitting penal fissure!"  
  
As Happy Noodle Boy turned his attention to Pepito's stereo, adjusting the station to some sort of techno that apparently leaned itself to "sexy" dancing, Todd scooted closer to Pepito, speaking softly. "Pepi, that's way sicker than normal. Can you make it stop now?"  
  
"Hold on." Just as Pepito was about to make a dash for the book of spells on the floor, Noodle Boy jumped in front of him, ready to commence with his dancing.  
  
"Alright, Fucky-Fuckers! Time to commence with the HAPPY TIME! I now copulate with twinkies!" He pointed a long, thin finger in their direction. "Yarrg! I'm saying 'yarrg'!"  
  
Todd and Pepito exchanged a very disturbed look: Squee's a very confused, disturbed look and Pepito's a very offended, disturbed look.  
  
As a rhythmic beat pulsated through Pepito's room, Noodle Boy began to swing his lack of hips to the beat in a slow, seductive motion, at the same time beginning to remove the black, leather vest that covered his upper chest, running his spiny hands up and down his body, over the mesh that covered his flat stomach and the short shorts with the zippered crotch.  
  
As his grip tightened on Pepito's arm, Todd felt his stomach flop around like a dying fish out of water. He was going to be sick. He just knew it. He was going to be sick all over the Antichrist, and then maybe something even more horrible would happen to him, if that was even possible. "Pepito, make it stop. Please!"  
  
By that point, Pepito's complexion had tented a deep pink. Not much could embarrass the son of Satan, but this was epically mortifying. This wasn't how his spell was intended to work at all! He probably shouldn't have replaced the word "entertainment" with "ecstasy", but he didn't think that the Enochian language even contained the first one! "Alright, alright. Give me a second." His hand moved to pat Todd's before prying it from his own arm as he closed his eyes to block out the horrendous image before them. He just had to think of the right words.  
  
Happy Noodle Boy dropped his vest to the ground, pointing excitedly at where his nipples should have been. He stepped forward to smack Pepito when it was obvious that he wasn't watching. "FOOL! Pay attention to my naval! It knows things! Else my secret elbow shall fall upon your head! Your horny head ... of horns!"  
  
"Ouch!" A tan hand rose to Pepito's face, covering the reddening hand print as his eyes gleamed the color of burning brimstone. "You ... you disrespectful freak! I created you, and therefore you have to do as I say! And I say 'stop'! Stop all this nonsense, and return to your papery form!"  
  
"SILENCE, mongoloid demon baby! You call me nonsensical, and yet you ENVY me! You wish to butter my groin and slap my ASS as you spoil your pants with your creamy TWINKIE filling! THEN you will know my power! Yes, then you will know!" Noodle Boy turned around, presenting them with said "ass" as he attempted, and failed, to make it bounce.  
  
"Oh, God." Todd's hand moved to cover his mouth as he tried to chock back the vomit. When the hand finally fell back to his side, he spoke in a quick, frantic tangle of words. "Uh, Pepito, I have to leave. Right now."  
  
"But, Amigo, I can fix this! And there's no one at your house!"  
  
"I'll sleep on the back porch with the crowbar! Thanks for having me over, see ya at skool, bye!"  
  
"But!"  
  
But it was too late. Todd took the opportunity to run very quickly for the door, tearing it open and slamming it closed behind him as he fled. He had left his shoes and backpack behind, but for the time being, that was okay.  
  
Pepito turned back, angrily, to the comic book character. "Damn you! Now Squee will never want to come back! I should just set you aflame! Even if your not paper anymore, you can still burn." But then again, so could his bedroom. It was now equipped with flame retardant carpet, but everything else was still susceptible, and his parents had said that if it happened again, they wouldn't replace his gaming consoles. Decisions.  
  
"AFLAME?! Yes, AFLAME! I'm a'flamin'! FLAME WITH ME!" Noodle Boy dove through the air, landing on the boy's lap to hump his leg like a confused dog. "I contain no soy, only BEEF! No paper, but MEAT! I AM MEAT MAN, hear me score!"  
  
"AHHHH!" Pepito reared back, backhanding the Noodle Man hard across the face. "Get off me!"  
  
"YES! Slap me and call be Bettie! Harder, harder! Look at my THIGHS! My creamy, BANANNA thighs!"  
  
"Noooo! Todd, come back! Help me! Father! Mother! SOMEBODY!" For the first time ever, Pepito's voice rose in a horrified cry for help. Not even the Damned in Hell had it this bad! Or the Taco Hell workers in Heaven! And no one was coming to his aid. Great.  
  
"I LOVE YOU, my beautiful little Spanish exit wound!" Noodle Boy kissed him with slobbery, yellow wetness and moldy cheese breath.  
  
Pepito was officially no longer a Happy Noodle Boy fan.

**Author's Note:**

> -This is what Pepito said in Enochian: "I made you to the intent that you might work ECSTASY. Hearken unto my voice. Apply yourselves unto us and show yourselves as pleasant deliverers. Arise. "


End file.
